Until now, Heather has authored every word on this blog, and she has done such a great job sharing her feelings and our lives. Those who know me, know how uncharacteristic this is for me, but for now, let this be my mountain top, and this is me yelling at the top of my lungs! I do not take things for granite, and for the past 3+ years, I wake up every morning feeling so lucky and blessed to have Heather in my life, and over the past week it's clear to me how much her spirit and her story has impacted so many others, as well as mine. I've never been a huge fan of social media, never had a personal blog, I don't tweet, and I don't have a facebook page. I've really never been motivated to participate on this blog, although I treasure every post. However this past couple weeks have been a grind in so many different ways, and I have truly been inspired by all the support, prayers, and well wishes that we have received. To everyone that has sent well wishes, read this blog, or followed Heather on Facebook... I say to you... THANK YOU!!!
Today we realized what we have been dreading for over a week now. We lost our babies. We learned of the first last Friday, and today our doctor confirmed that our remaining baby, who's heart we saw fluttering like a butterfly a short week ago, had gone silent. Over the past week, we remained hopeful, and appreciated all the support, but we also prepared ourselves for the bad news we received. Last night, we lost sleep, confused, and conflicted. What if our remaining baby's heart rate was still at 60 beats per minute today. All indications from the doctor lead us to believe if that was the case, and if the baby had not grown, he would recommend ending the pregnancy. Still... What a sobering thought! Thinking of all the possible complications and afflictions that our baby could have??? Still... In any case, the baby, if healthy enough, would be the luckiest baby in the world to have such a loving mother, brother, sister, and father. It just wasn't meant to be...
The events of the past week, have sparked some very interesting conversations with Miles and Katrina. "How'd the babies get in there?" "How are babies made?" "What is Sex?" "Is the baby not feeling good because you haven't had enough sex?" You name the question and Miles has asked it. I guess that's what you'd expect from a 10 yr old boy. We've discussed what a future Baker would mean to our family, and the bond that our baby would create. Finally a Baker that would share all our blood! This is the thought that has brought all of us to tears this past week. The last time I really cried was during my Grandfather's funeral which was roughly 10 years ago. I've shed tears here and there. I mean, who didn't cry when Rudy sacked the quarterback and got carried off the field at Notre Dame. But this week, I've cried for the babies who would have been so fortunate to have been born into our family. I've cried for the lives that could have been. I've cried for Heather, who no doubt would have been and has been the greatest mother anyone could ask for. I've cried for Miles, who would have been and will be the big brother we all wish we could have, and I've cried for Katrina who turned 8 on Monday and used her birthday wish for the health of her baby "brother/sister". And I cried after speaking with my Mom and Dad on the phone. I truly felt their sorrow over the phone, and as a son, it was one of those moments where I really felt their love.
I'm thankful that Heather's Mom, Missy jumped on a plane from Florida to be here with us. Tonight, Missy and I took Heather out for some Sushi and Sake. Afterwards we went to a jewelry store, where Missy bought Heather a double sided charm with a butterfly on each side representing each of the heartbeats we lost. Heather is wearing it on a necklace, and we continue the healing process.
In the mist of all this pain, I continue to be amazed how strong Heather is and how lucky I am to have her in my life. I feel so thankful that Heather and I are surrounded by so many thoughtful people. When you're 2000+ miles away from all of your family and most of your friends, you really learn and appreciate how important they truly are. We are lucky. We are resilient. And we are determined! We will take the advice of our Mexican/Brazilian compadres who said... "Vamos Bakers"
We heard your voices and felt your prayers and I really just wanted to say THANK YOU! We've really appreciated your support, as it HAS made a difference for us!
Dave
