My husband Dave and I are blessed by the fact we did not grow up in split families. Dave's Mom and Dad, Jay and Mary Ann, have been happily married for more than 40 years. My Mom and Dad, Rick and Missy, have been happily married for 30 years in March . We truly have the best parents anyone could ask for. Our parents are our role models. They are our experience and where we have learned about what parenting , mothering, fathering and what being a family means. This is why we don't have a great play book on the right and wrong of a split family and often wish we did. My mind the last 4 years (time flies) of Dave and I's wonderful relationship has been spinning on the idea of a Step Parent and what that means, what the definition is, and what the right way and wrong way of doing things is. To be honest, I have no clue. I have some experience with a few of my friends and their step parents but not a lot. All I know is my love for Miles and Katrina is astounding. I have no biological children yet to compare any differences but in my mind there are very few differences if any.. Miles and Katrina do not have my blood but they certainly have a hold on my heart. My goal as a step parent is not and never has been to take any one's place. My goal is to be someone who loves their kids, biological and not, unconditionally, selflessly and do everything right by them. Like any parent, there are days I am selfish and make mistakes. I am certainly not perfect.
I have 421 Facebook friends. Some of the people/old friends, I have not spoken to in years and are acquaintances from High School, College , and my jobs following college. Others are true friends and family! Either way, when I posted this unusual post below, I expected all kinds of responses based on the fact that no two blended families are alike.
Facebook Post: "If someone asked me to describe myself, in part of the description I would write, A Mom. That is a fair statement wouldn't you say? What is your opinion of step parents and their role in a child's life? I truly want to hear...I think I have decided my next blog entry and I want you to be a part of it...please comment"
I expected some negative responses, some positive and some in between. I expected, "My Step Mom is a Bit$h", "My Step Dad sucks", "Step Moms or Dads are not parents" or something along those lines. Because of course, Step Parents often have a bad rap! Instead, I received such positive reinforcement and guidance from people I care about a lot!
I have changed names, ages, etc in the responses below for confidentiality purposes of the respondents but all polls lead to my answer. Being a parent of any kind is a choice. A step parent like a biological parent has a choice. The choices are what kind of parent they choose to be. To give it their all and give it their best, given some good and some bad days. OR forget it, give up and not get involved. No one said it was going to be easy but as a great friend has said, it's not about what is easy. It's about the children involved. Below are a few of the responses to my post.
Response #1
So I have a very strong opinion on this one, and I love the opportunity to share my thoughts. I 100% think you should describe yourself as a mom, and it wouldn't be fair to yourself, step-kids, or husband to think otherwise. But that is YOU. There are so many step-parents out there that don't take the role as a step-parent near as seriously as they should. I was in 2nd grade when my Mom re-married, so technically I have had a step-dad since I was 8. I'm now 28, and after almost 20 years, I still hardly know my step-dad, or have anything close to a relationship with him. This has affected my life in a huge way. Not only do I have anger towards my mother for not thinking it was important for her kids and husband to have a close relationship, but I don't understand a man with step children who could have step-kids for almost 20 years and not speak to them. I understand that the dynamic with families doesn't always make it easy for step-parents and kids to be close, but it's not about what's easy.
You are the true example of what step-parents should strive to be. I'm sure you've had your fair share of ups and down and times of major adjustment, but you've handled things with such grace, just like you handle most everything in your life. You may or may not realize it, but the positive impact your actions are making on those kids is something that will enrich their lives for every year to come.
When my Dad re-married a few years back during college, I gained another step-parent, but this time as an adult. No matter how old we get as kids, it's always wonderful to have another person in your life who loves you, and who you can love back. And that's what's most important--love and support--for parents and children alike. Luckily my step-mom has shown me how beautiful a step-parent/child relationship can be. The world needs more step-parents like you, Heather, and you should hold your head high every single time you say that you are a mom.
RESPONSE #2
I saw your post and I'll be interested in what you write, mainly because you are so loving and active in your step childrens' lives. I have a totally different experience with my oldest step mother and I wish for her sake she could take a lesson from your play book. I honestly do not believe that everyone can be a good step parent and that it takes love and patience to care for a child that is biologically not your own. Unfortunately in our case, her step mother wants nothing to do with her and encourages her father to distance himself. She refuses to be involved in any family function that involves both sides of his family and makes it difficult and confusing for him to love us all and enjoy her time with both sets of parents. Just know that those step mom's like you make it easier for biological mothers when their child is away. They provide comfort and stability to children who have split homes. I know you love those kiddos from reading your blog and look forward to what you will have to say!
RESPONSE #3
I think step parents have a huge impact on a child's life Heather. Just because someone isn't a biological parent doesn't make them any less of a parent. You take care of all motherly duties and take them in as your own and love them as if they were your own as well. I'm sure there are struggles that step parents go through that all of us don't know about. But I'm sure that can make the parent stronger and eventually strengthen the bond between child and parent. I am sure you're the best step Mom around.
Response #4
Well I'm on the other end of this...I have step parents and have for many years. I truly love them both with all my heart and i have called them family from jump..even as a kid. You do a wonderful job and i have always looked at how lucky i am to have 4 parents instead of 2!!!
My Favorite Response #5
A mom implies more than just the biological connection which when you think of raising children, giving birth is probably the easiest thing....It's the love ,care , constancy, discipline, honesty, sacrifice and support you provide the kids on an everyday basis that entitle you to call yourself a Mom.
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I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted a response or messaged me and are still doing so! I was so humbled to know people I care about and admire feel that way about me and their opinion of how I am doing as a step parent, though the question was geared toward the topic of step parents in general. Your support means the world to me. The conclusion I have come to is to always keep the best interest of the children involved at heart. What biological parent would not want someone else to be a good role model for their child and someone else to truly love their child?
I myself feel blessed because when I married Dave, I also married Miles and Katrina...The BONUS for me is that it's just more people to love! And who doesn't want that???? Secondly without the support and love of my husband and each of our families it would make things much more challenging. The constant reassurance that we are in this together and raising kids together has been a HUGE blessing that every woman or man needs in a relationship. I feel validated and hold my head high when I say I am a Mom, because yes, of course I am a Mom...That I know FOR SURE and I am loving every minute of it.
Facebook Post: "If someone asked me to describe myself, in part of the description I would write, A Mom. That is a fair statement wouldn't you say? What is your opinion of step parents and their role in a child's life? I truly want to hear...I think I have decided my next blog entry and I want you to be a part of it...please comment"
I expected some negative responses, some positive and some in between. I expected, "My Step Mom is a Bit$h", "My Step Dad sucks", "Step Moms or Dads are not parents" or something along those lines. Because of course, Step Parents often have a bad rap! Instead, I received such positive reinforcement and guidance from people I care about a lot!
I have changed names, ages, etc in the responses below for confidentiality purposes of the respondents but all polls lead to my answer. Being a parent of any kind is a choice. A step parent like a biological parent has a choice. The choices are what kind of parent they choose to be. To give it their all and give it their best, given some good and some bad days. OR forget it, give up and not get involved. No one said it was going to be easy but as a great friend has said, it's not about what is easy. It's about the children involved. Below are a few of the responses to my post.
Response #1
So I have a very strong opinion on this one, and I love the opportunity to share my thoughts. I 100% think you should describe yourself as a mom, and it wouldn't be fair to yourself, step-kids, or husband to think otherwise. But that is YOU. There are so many step-parents out there that don't take the role as a step-parent near as seriously as they should. I was in 2nd grade when my Mom re-married, so technically I have had a step-dad since I was 8. I'm now 28, and after almost 20 years, I still hardly know my step-dad, or have anything close to a relationship with him. This has affected my life in a huge way. Not only do I have anger towards my mother for not thinking it was important for her kids and husband to have a close relationship, but I don't understand a man with step children who could have step-kids for almost 20 years and not speak to them. I understand that the dynamic with families doesn't always make it easy for step-parents and kids to be close, but it's not about what's easy.
You are the true example of what step-parents should strive to be. I'm sure you've had your fair share of ups and down and times of major adjustment, but you've handled things with such grace, just like you handle most everything in your life. You may or may not realize it, but the positive impact your actions are making on those kids is something that will enrich their lives for every year to come.
When my Dad re-married a few years back during college, I gained another step-parent, but this time as an adult. No matter how old we get as kids, it's always wonderful to have another person in your life who loves you, and who you can love back. And that's what's most important--love and support--for parents and children alike. Luckily my step-mom has shown me how beautiful a step-parent/child relationship can be. The world needs more step-parents like you, Heather, and you should hold your head high every single time you say that you are a mom.
RESPONSE #2
I saw your post and I'll be interested in what you write, mainly because you are so loving and active in your step childrens' lives. I have a totally different experience with my oldest step mother and I wish for her sake she could take a lesson from your play book. I honestly do not believe that everyone can be a good step parent and that it takes love and patience to care for a child that is biologically not your own. Unfortunately in our case, her step mother wants nothing to do with her and encourages her father to distance himself. She refuses to be involved in any family function that involves both sides of his family and makes it difficult and confusing for him to love us all and enjoy her time with both sets of parents. Just know that those step mom's like you make it easier for biological mothers when their child is away. They provide comfort and stability to children who have split homes. I know you love those kiddos from reading your blog and look forward to what you will have to say!
RESPONSE #3
I think step parents have a huge impact on a child's life Heather. Just because someone isn't a biological parent doesn't make them any less of a parent. You take care of all motherly duties and take them in as your own and love them as if they were your own as well. I'm sure there are struggles that step parents go through that all of us don't know about. But I'm sure that can make the parent stronger and eventually strengthen the bond between child and parent. I am sure you're the best step Mom around.
Response #4
Well I'm on the other end of this...I have step parents and have for many years. I truly love them both with all my heart and i have called them family from jump..even as a kid. You do a wonderful job and i have always looked at how lucky i am to have 4 parents instead of 2!!!
My Favorite Response #5
A mom implies more than just the biological connection which when you think of raising children, giving birth is probably the easiest thing....It's the love ,care , constancy, discipline, honesty, sacrifice and support you provide the kids on an everyday basis that entitle you to call yourself a Mom.
---------
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted a response or messaged me and are still doing so! I was so humbled to know people I care about and admire feel that way about me and their opinion of how I am doing as a step parent, though the question was geared toward the topic of step parents in general. Your support means the world to me. The conclusion I have come to is to always keep the best interest of the children involved at heart. What biological parent would not want someone else to be a good role model for their child and someone else to truly love their child?
I myself feel blessed because when I married Dave, I also married Miles and Katrina...The BONUS for me is that it's just more people to love! And who doesn't want that???? Secondly without the support and love of my husband and each of our families it would make things much more challenging. The constant reassurance that we are in this together and raising kids together has been a HUGE blessing that every woman or man needs in a relationship. I feel validated and hold my head high when I say I am a Mom, because yes, of course I am a Mom...That I know FOR SURE and I am loving every minute of it.
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| I am a lucky girl! |
